Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
