Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
