i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
