never play flip cup with pint glasses
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
