the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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