I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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