Umm I'm too high to move.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
