so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
