Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
