Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
