Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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