Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
