Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
