You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
