Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
