Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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