Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize