so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
