I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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