Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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