I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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