good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
