I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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