Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
