he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
