She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
