Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
