I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you didnt know i had herpes?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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