he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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