k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
