Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
