I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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