how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
