The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
