mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
