the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
