We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
