the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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