as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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