The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
