My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
