I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
