dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
