i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
