Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
