How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
