I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize