Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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