Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
