I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
As shirtless as possible
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
