OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
