watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
