I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize